So I changed the blog, partly because i was tired of it, partly because i guess that i have changed so much that rereading the old posts made me kind of sad, like i couldn't recognize who had said all those things. i guess i always told people that the whole point of coming here was to change and grow, but i never actually realized it would happen, and definetly not like this. i deleted a bunch of stuff, which is a little scary, kind of like i deleted that part of my life as well, (a bit dramatic, but still..) i didnt see the point of most of the things i had thought were so important to mention.
It was only after i left that i realized exactly how much i hated being there in the first place. People in brazil probably cant stand talking to me on the phone because i am so chippery and annoying, i just want people to shut up and listen to hundreds of my life in france stories. When i go back i am going to be an obnoxious brat going on and on about all the things i did. but i really cant help it, its been very long since i can truely say i am happy, and i am. i am very happy.

...

She sat there, on her favorite seat in her favorite park, in her favorite city. It was already late and she should be getting back home, but it didnt really matter, no one would mind if she was late. she held the bag from the store she had just come from and felt guilty for spending so much money in something so silly, but she loved it, just holding the bag from the store that meant so much to her made it perfect. her phone beeped and her face lit up knowing exactly who it was that was texting, she read the silly text "tfait qwa?". she smiled at how silly he was, she smiled at the fact that she could now understand so easily what was written on it, she smiled at herself just because she felt like it. happy. it had been very long since the last time she could say so, but now, just this moment, sitting there she could tell that she was happy, probably as happy as she would ever be. perhaps she would grow up and never again reach that moment of tottal happiness, but it didnt matter, at this point just the memory of these days would be enough. the phone beeped again "tfait la guele?". she smiled at his sillyness again and stood up. it was time to go.

The Sea

At every step she took she could feel the blisters on her toes. the lines on her hands were covered by a layer of dirt and the white palms had gotten used to the constant shade of gray. She knew that by every pace she was closer to where she wanted to be, she only needed to figure out where that place was. She then felt a smell she couldn't quite place, a smell she was sure she had seen once before but now seemed like a distant memory. it was only when the sound became clear that she realized where she was. The salty smell she before couldn't distinguish now was strong and a natural component of the place she was, the sea breeze hit the messy hair, and even those sad colorless locks flew in the placid wind of the seaside. Through the trees she couldn't quite see the expected water and she grew almost desperate to push through those thick shrubbs that seemed to be there in the sole attempt of teasing her. She pushed a specially thorny branch and blood trickled down her arm, the pain caused her eyes to water and only after they ran down her cheek in the form of tears was it clear enough for her to look up at the imensitude of blue she was faced with. Waves crashed into rocks with a force that dazed her. she walked further on and the painful feet walked over the sand, she smiled as the tiny grains slipped in between her toes and under the dirty lashes her eyes sparkled with a childish anxiety. She couldn't restrain any longer so she broke into a sprint towards the water. As she first placed her toe inside she winced at the coldness but soon her whole body was in.
For the first time in very long, she had a plan. as the sun settled lower in the sky she swam farther away,swam and swam. swam until the dirty hair was engulfed into a blanket of water, and as it was before she came, the placid beach returned to its usual state.

Argh

Things that make me automatically hate people:

• pessoas que comem cochinha na Casa da Empada
• pessoas que usam poncho's
• pessoas que travel to amazing countries e passam as férias no hotel
• pessoas que correct my grammar
• pessoas que colocam milhoes de fotos no orkut dela no mesmo lugar doing different poses
• pessoas gordas que tão comendo no mcdonalds
• pessoas que são mto punctual
• pessoas que ficam pissed because i am not punctual
• pessoas que n gostam de mim e ficam me ligando
• pessoas que n go out de domingo because its "family day"
• pessoas que ficam dando liçao de moral
• pessoas que o sonha da vida delas eh ter uma casinha simples e ser feliz when they could be anything in the world
• pessoas que querem casar e parar de trabalhar
• pessoas que decidiram n viajar essas ferias pq tah tendo gripe suina
• pessoas que me perguntam se eu n acho maldade com meus pais ficar um ano longe
• pessoas que mandam um text perguntando se eu n tou answering their calls
• pessoas que me dizem que eu n devia comer chiclete pq i might in an extreme case swallow it
• e most importantly if you are the person this was based on

argh

I feel i have neglegted the blog, pois bem. I am in sp and it feels really nice being here. i traveled for a few days to the country house (however you say that in english) and it was really nice, i went with a friend i hadn't seen in ages and it was nice to talk. i'm back now and in don't think i have ever been so "mimada" and thats saying a lot concidering how much i ussually am. This morning i woke at 5:00 in the morning, don't ask me why. and it was acctually really great because i finnaly caught up with mu reading. I'm now reading Tess of the D'ubervilles which is a really nice book, but i do feel guilty because i should be reading it in french to practise a bit. i have been doing french classes again, and after being refused at the Aliança Francesa i began with a private teacher, she is amazing, i absolutly love her, it is worth paying just to talk to her, her french is perfect and she knows all the cool plays and artshows to go to and i'm having so much fun.
Today i called tech support for the internet and i have to admit i had amazing amounts of fun talking to the people there, it took about 50 minutes on the phone for my tech skills (or rather lack of) to kick in and manage to fix the problem. However the guy that was helping me out was just so adorable it was really fun, he had this cute accent from Bahia and he was really worried because he couldn't fix it and in the end he started talking and talking and telling me that he worked there for only a month and that he just got married to this girl and they were trying to save money so he was working two jobs and serio, he was beyond adorable.
Today my grandmother announced we're having fondue for dinner, and i i'm not kidding that i'm about to kill myself, everywhere i go someone remembers i like fondue so they make me eat it again. very very soon someone is going to find me with a foundue stick stuck up my brain and cheeze blocking my breathing.
my grandfather is having a heart attack (not the real kind, vicky) because i am on the computer for too long. beijos
oh and something i can't forget to say!! hj eu tava passando na frente de um posto de gasolina e tinha uns tres caras com uma blusa escrita "Equipe do Lubrificante", tipo que lubrifica carros, but still i couldnt stop laughing

Clementine

Not very good, but i really wanted to write something..
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She lay on the floor, barefoot. her hair crawled forgotten around her back, her nails were longer than she liked them to be, her head rested against the cold wooden floor. If it weren't for her blinking every once in a while you could have believed she was no longer alive, oh and there was the sound too. you could notice she was alive because when you listened very carefully you could notice a sound escaping from her closed lips, it was humming, barely audibly she hummed the tune to "Darling Clementine". She knew it well; it was one of the old memories that hadn't wisped away with her childhood. If she concentrated very much she could still remember the women, outside her window, the long skirts scrambling around the wind, their hair in tight buns as they hung the white sheets around the garden, singing all day long. She remembered the singing so vividly, the passionate songs were a part of those women, their voices singing loudly let the words mingle and make the sad tunes almost heartbreaking. At some point the music had became a part of them, the songs were like breathing, each note like the very breath they took. And still, years later, there she sat humming the story of Clementine on and on, time after time.
The room where she lay in was very dark; it was only lighted by a small window. The old window was never opened and it was covered by a yellowed, molded curtain. only the few specks of light that managed to struggle through the holes in the curtains came into the room and lighted the pale face in the floor.
The room, now old and crumbling to pieces, had once been a part of a home. People had once danced, and laughed, and smiled on the very floor where she sat. if you looked carefully in the corner of the room a child had scribbled initials on the floor, inside the fireplace still lay the ashes of the last fire that had been made, a fire that had warmed the old house and the people in it.

Paris

I guess there is something else that i haven't yet mentioned, maybe i avoided it for so long, because i have spoken so much of it i might keep it from my writing, i guess i have kept it enough. I am leaving in august, if you are a human being and have as much as looked at me, i probably already told you all about my trip. I am going to a boarding school in France, quite near Paris,really, and i don't think i have ever been this exited about anything. I know it is a learning opportunity and it is expanding my borders and making me independant and all that crap i keep repeating, but the true reason why i'm going is that i need to run away. Run away from everyone i ever met, i ever knew, i ever even spoke to... it has come to a point where i hate ever inch of the person i have become, and i have tried to stay distant from those who make me feel so terrible and i guess it has reached a point that only phisical distance will suffice. I know this post is terribly emo.. i guess every blog needs one to be a tad emotional, let this be mine..

I am not quite sure why i began this... Most obviously it was an inspirational thing, seeing my friends have such litarary insights right before my eyes. maybe it is because my maid absolutly hates to keep all the hundreds of sheets of paper i have used to "spill my heart out". i have to admit that in attempts of having such a literary insight i have bought more notebooks than my sad allowance could afford, i have resuscitated my fathers old typewriter only to find it much harder to use than a simple computer, i have even appealed to napkins in random restaurants when i was caught in a wave of boredom... maybe eletronically i may succeed. most probably, i wont do anything worth reading. but in between the typo's and run on sentances and terrible choice of pictures i have decided to put i might in some way do the "spilling of the heart" i so desperatly attempt to do.
if you are at home reading this i can only beg you to leave, and entertain yourself with the works that have once compelled me, please grab a decent novel, a cup of coffee and find yourself a comfortable chair; i personally would recomend a nice Louisa May Alcott, she always helps my boredom, maybe a Fitzgerald to make you envy the 20's or even some silly old book that makes you feel that nice feeling only a good book gives you.
Ok, i have just notices the accuracy of the websites name, i have already begun the psychotic rambling i am so usually caught up in, but i refuse to erase it. some day maybe when i am famous, and a world known author of some sort people might read this and compare it to the days when Einstein failed phisics or bethoven was kicked of music school.. or maybe, some random zé is reading it right now and realising how foolish i am for comparing myself to such people.
This is all i have to say for now, i guess..
bisous